Jvabean

Well this is who I am! Wait, it is a picture of who I am.

I think I am much more than a picture. I hope I am at least.

I attended a memorial service for a young man I posted about earlier.

He was only 18 and was shot and killed trying to help break up a fight.

I ended up comforting several young men who were his friends and co-workers where I work. As they shared their stories and the memories of the friend he was I found myself feeling very maternal. I have boys that are both older and younger than these. No, I am not old. I inherited the oldest who is 21 and my own oldest is almost 17. Somehow though I see them as son's.

How would I respond? I would listen, listen some more and offer arms to hold onto or wrap them in a hug. There is no need for many words. Watching his mother, father and brothers was difficult. I could not imagine their grief and each time I tried it hurt too much. I don't want to imagine.

What is it within me that has this pull or calling to bring comfort to others? I have been this way since I was a little girl. I can't fix things or people. I can't fix most all of the problems. I am not supposed to. I just know that I have a deep compassion for others. A compassion that has boundaries and knows when to step forward and when to stay still. A compassion that knows the difference between helping and hindering. One that accepts it may be this moment I am privileged to share or sometimes days, months and years. I am okay with that because I have no agenda.

I can hug these kids and bring comfort and never see them again. I am fine with that. I feel good about being what I felt I was supposed to be for that time and those moments. I don't need the attention or any recognition. That isn't what it is about.

You know we are so privileged to have these moments where for just a time our lives intersect with another and if we are really fortunate we come away with much more than what we gave in the sense that our giving meant more than anything we could receive. It's the joy and peace, sometimes the pain and sadness that come with risking.

Sometimes in daring to care and love we lose. Like losing Chris. It hurts to care sometimes.

I know that my sadness today will not hinder me from living and caring in the future. On the contrary it is what life really is about. That's a part of me. A part of the Lord in me. And it's a part that I doubt will ever go away.

I don't even know if anyone will ever read or see this. I kind of feel like this is my place to just toss around idea's and lessons learned. Writing it just helps me process. Today I needed to process.

Jva